Ich bin die gherken horker!

So, during my three years in Germany I ate out alot. I mean alot! Like Louie Anderson in a retirement community..."you be here four hours, you go now!"...alot. My hetero-lifepartner Brian and I used to love to eat at a little Italian eatery in Gieblestadt, Germany named the Florian Guyer (if that's not spelled right, kiss my #$$, I'm doing the best I can with what I've got). I digress... So, we used to eat there about 3 or 4 nights per week.

We weren't quite Cliff and Norm, but damn close. When we went in we were brought a pilsner and cucumber salad. Without asking, might I add? We were, how do you crazy Americans say?, regulars. Well, let me set this straight. I was brought the cucumber salad. Brian was brought a regular garden salad.

For some strange reason, I thought that my man didn't like cucumbers. If any of you ever had the good fortune of eating there (CLG, this means you!), you know how good the food was. Well, the salads all had cucmber slices. Big ones. Needless to say, I would just reach on over and take his cucumbers and eat them.

Now, he tolerated this for almost three years and, finally, he couldn't take it anymore.

Brian: Dude, what the fuck?

Me: What?

What the hell is up with you?

Nothing. What's up with you? You seem a little bitchy!

You would be too if I took your food!

I didn't take your food?

Oh yeah?!

Yeah! I took your damn cucmubers!

Exactly!

And?

They're mine!

And?

Did it ever cross your mind that I might want them?

No.

No?

No bitch, it didn't.

Bitch?

Yeah, bitch!

Who's a bitch?

You! Bitch! You don't even like them?

I don't?

No!

How do you know that? You've never given me a chance to eat them!

OK, now I really don't know what to do. I'm stuck....mind racing....surely he doesn't like them, I thought to myself...I am sooooo confused!

That's because you don't like them!, I wisely responded, me of the keen mind and wit!

I don't?

Here we go again....bitch!

Dude!

Dude! What the hell?

I want my damn cucumbers!

Why? You don't like them!

Are you fucking retarded?

Uh, no.

Then why in the fuck do you keep taking my cucmbers?

Because you don't like them?

You are fucking retarded, aren't you?

No.

Then why do....AHHHHHHHHH....forget it!

What?

Forget it!

Dude? What's going on?

Never mind...

From that moment on, ich bin die gherken horker...and I still don't know why...